im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
