Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
