Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
