I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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