your parents love me but you hate me
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
