I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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