god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
now i know why i became what i already was.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
