It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
