What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
