our cab driver is having phone sex.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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