Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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