a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
