He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
