it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize