What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
