Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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