I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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