don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
