If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize