So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
