Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
