my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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