I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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