It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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