Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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