: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
