I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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