Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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