I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
