one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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