im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
