I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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