Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
