my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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