dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize