My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
