Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Randomize
