only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Randomize
