im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
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