He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
