this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
You pole danced in your parka.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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