Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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