now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
