u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
