his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
