I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
