i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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