he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize