i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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