life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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