Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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