Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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