I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
