Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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