Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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