i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
