i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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